Sometimes,,,

I feel crappy because I want Timmy to give me a real hug

I feel crappy because I want Timmy to be happy and he isn't very much

I feel crappy because I need space and don't get it

I feel crappy because I am just tired of fighting

I feel crappy because his parents aren't around and I am left to pick up the pieces

I feel crappy because I want to be selfish and do things for myself and can't

I feel crappy because Timmy doesn't have many friends

I feel crappy because I have already raised my children and now at 50 (almost 51) I am doing it again, alone and with a special child and I don't want to be doing it( I read this back to myself and it sounds horrible, it's not that I don't love him with all I have, it's just I don't know if I can give him everything he needs and it sucks)

I feel really angry that the school district is putting him in the most restrictive environment and not looking at where he is today

I feel happy because Timmy is giggling and smiling

I feel happy because Timmy is actually in a mainstream afterschool program and doing well for the 1st time in 3 years around other "normal" children

I feel happy because I can read a book for an hour without 60 interruptions (yes it's at 10pm but I'll take it)

I feel happy because we finally got a therapist who is there and consistent

I feel happy because Timmy looks me in the eye now

I feel happy because we have a diagnosis that makes sense where before it didn't

I feel happy because of all the comments and feedback and realize how blessed and lucky we are

I feel happy because I have a job and an income to support us

I feel happy because I am alive

I want some Privacy,,,,

Why oh why can't my boy give me any privacy? He is 7-1/2 now and still is stuck to me like glue. He follows me from room to room to room. He bangs on the bathroom door and says "I just have to ask you something". He refuses to sleep in his own room at night and goes into total meltdown mode for hours when I try to get him to, instead he sleeps on a chaise lounge in my room. He will not even go to the room to bed unless I am in there with him. I have bribed this child with everything in the book to get him to sleep in his room. He hasn't even had the tooth fairy come because she won't come if he isn't in his bed. Now if he spends the night at my sister's house he sleeps in the guest room no problem. Why is it that he is so attached to me when I am there? He will go places with other people, he leaves me without a care in the world but when he and I are together he is all over me like a fly on sh*t. I feel like such a complainer but I really need some space. I would love him to just sleep in his room so I have some time to myself in the evenings. Is that asking for too much? Am I expecting too much from him? Some days raising this little boy I love so much is just overwhelming!

Maybe just maybe if we could get a consistent, stable Behavioral Assistant this would happen. I am not looking for miracles, just a little space to breathe in and regroup at home!

The 25 facts about me since I was tagged post...

Thanks to my sister I have to think of 25 personal facts I want to share,,, ok here goes,,,

1. My sister and brother went gray way before me and now it's finally my turn to visit the hair dye guy at least every couple of months since it's not too bad yet but I still hate it!

2. I really like being an IT Project Manager most days and feel lucky that I am doing something I like and get paid for it.

3. I love to go to all-inclusives in the Caribbean or Mexico and just pamper myself.

4. I am a terrible document writer

5. I wish I would have gone to college and not learned everything via the school of life and hard knocks.

6. I want to buy a house but I don't know where I really want to live.

7. I spend way too much time alone with Timmy!

8. I am single and intend to stay single, I have no energy to have to take care of anyone else!

9. If I call you my friend you are my friend for life well unless you screw me over!

10. I am a carb junkie and could live on bread and pasta!

11. I don't like Sushi very much, it's a texture thing.

12. I want to go buy new living room furniture but the thought of dragging Timmy through furniture stores while I look terrifies me.

13. I am a pushover for those I love.

14. I am extremely mechanical and love building legos.

15. I really love new toys, flat screen TV's, video games, etc

16. I wish I could have had more time with my parents. You don't know what you have until it's gone

17. I have been the family gypsy and it's hard for me to stay in one place for too long.

18. I really want to take a trip across Europe

19. I am glad Obama is the President, let's hope he doesn't let us down.

20. I wish I could win the lottery and get Timmy all the help he needs, I never feel like I am doing enough to help him cope with his disability.

21. I can be brutally honest and have spent years learning how to curb my tongue and be a little more kind and patient with people.

22. I keep a lot inside of me and don't really share it with anyone because to me it would mean a crack in the independence armor.

23. I have a strawberry mark and have horrible memories of going to the doctor and it being burned off when I was little.

24. I am enjoying blogging, it's a cheap therapist!

25. I wish everyone would get along (middle child syndrome)and if you don't like someone just stay away from them because not everyone likes you or me for that matter and it's ok!

I guess it's time for me to tag someone so I am going to tag someone whose blog I ran across the other day, it's called Dear Noah

My sister tagged me

So my little (younger and thinner) sister tagged me so I am tagging her back! Her name is Debie and she is my favorite sister, yes she is my only sister but she is still my favorite sister! Deb has this organizational way about her that I envy. She is so freaking organized about everything she does, her blog will show you that. Me on the other hand well I am an unorganized mess at home and no matter how hard I try to get organized it doesn't work. The really weird part of all of this is that I am a Project Manager at work and will spend all day organizing and orchestrating a project to perfection but I get home and just have no clue where to begin. Hmmmm, maybe I should pay myself for each thing I organize at home and I would get motivated to do it, Nahhhhhhhhhh.

So here is the link to my sweet little sister's blog
http://devonshiredesignltd.blogspot.com

I hope you enjoy her as much as I do!

WOOHOO, Daycare Opened up this morning

So today was a school snow day and as you saw in my previous post I was looking for 144 different things to do with Timmy today but then I lucked out, daycare opened, yes they opened late but I was able to take him there to have fun and play with the other children and go to work. I mean really how bad am I, I wanted to go to work? Haha. Well I only have so many PTO days and with all the IEP meetings, therapist meetings, psych meetings, and on and on I would really like to save up my PTO so I can take a real vacation instead of a day here and a day there. So he is happy because he gets to have fun today with the other children and I am happy because I get to work and not take PTO time.

Now that's it's cold and rainy and snowing and all around yucky outside I am going to start looking for that perfect vacation for us this year. I would love to take him on a Disney Cruise but they cost twice as much as other cruise lines. Has anyone been on a Disney Cruise, what makes them so much better than a Royal Caribbean Cruise that I would pay double?

Maybe snow?? We need 144 ideas to stay busy tomorrow!

It's suppose to really really snow here and I am sure if there is an inch on the ground in the morning school will be cancelled. To me this means taking another PTO day to stay home stuck in the house with Timmy. Anyone have any good ideas how to occupy him for 12 hours? He is not only PDD-NOS but is also ADHD, this means he jumps from 1 thing to another thing every 5 minutes. So any brilliant ideas will bore him after 5 minutes this means I need tons and tons of ideas for 12 hours... how many things do we need to do, let's do the math, 720 minutes divided by 5 equals 144 ideas needed. Your help would be greatly appreciated. As a matter of fact if you want to come over and participate with us in any of the 144 ideas let me know :)

Ok, I guess I should think of some kind of cool giveaway for the person who has the best of the 144 ideas needed, so I will also take ideas for a giveaway, now let's keep it reasonable folks, something around $25.00 in value??