Sometimes,,,

I feel crappy because I want Timmy to give me a real hug

I feel crappy because I want Timmy to be happy and he isn't very much

I feel crappy because I need space and don't get it

I feel crappy because I am just tired of fighting

I feel crappy because his parents aren't around and I am left to pick up the pieces

I feel crappy because I want to be selfish and do things for myself and can't

I feel crappy because Timmy doesn't have many friends

I feel crappy because I have already raised my children and now at 50 (almost 51) I am doing it again, alone and with a special child and I don't want to be doing it( I read this back to myself and it sounds horrible, it's not that I don't love him with all I have, it's just I don't know if I can give him everything he needs and it sucks)

I feel really angry that the school district is putting him in the most restrictive environment and not looking at where he is today

I feel happy because Timmy is giggling and smiling

I feel happy because Timmy is actually in a mainstream afterschool program and doing well for the 1st time in 3 years around other "normal" children

I feel happy because I can read a book for an hour without 60 interruptions (yes it's at 10pm but I'll take it)

I feel happy because we finally got a therapist who is there and consistent

I feel happy because Timmy looks me in the eye now

I feel happy because we have a diagnosis that makes sense where before it didn't

I feel happy because of all the comments and feedback and realize how blessed and lucky we are

I feel happy because I have a job and an income to support us

I feel happy because I am alive